


The Impossible

by dyad (johnnycake)



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Death, Gen, abuse mention, csa mention, disordered eating mention, eating disorder mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-10 02:33:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18929521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnnycake/pseuds/dyad
Summary: Tix has to make a choice: stay or go?





	The Impossible

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Tix At The End](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1996296) by [amanda_jolene](https://archiveofourown.org/users/amanda_jolene/pseuds/amanda_jolene). 



> i found this fic originally on tumblr and i wasn't originally gonna remix it, but then i decided i had to!! (also hi i'm tix, another fictive alter in johnny's system; i wanted to write about my canon so here i am!!) 
> 
> as always pls go read the original!!

Up, up, down, down.

Up, up, down, down.

One foot on the stair stepper, another, and then back down again.

Over and over again, too fast, too fast, until she was covered in sweat and her lungs screamed for air and all she could feel was the burn of her muscles and all she could hear was the gasp of her breath, wheezing slightly as it rushed in and out of her.

Had she eaten the night before?

Of course not. Rae hadn’t come to dinner, so there’d been no reason to.

She wasn’t mad at Rae. Not at all. She figured Rae had gotten to go to the rave and she was happy for her that she got to spend time with her friends.

But she was sad, sad that Rae would rather spend time with other people.

 _But isn’t that the way it goes?_ she thought, biting her lip and digging her nails into her palms as she moved to keep herself from breaking down crying right there. _You’re always the second choice, always second best. Worthless. Not even good enough for_ Rae _to come have dinner with you._

She moved faster.

And that’s all she was. Worthless.

Faster.

It was all she’d ever been.

Faster.

Worthless and not good enough. For anything.

Fasterfasterfaster.

Not good enough for Rae to have dinner with her.

Not good enough to even get in the pond with Danny.

Even Danny Two-Hats could get in the pond and she, messed-up Tix, couldn’t even dip her toe in it without feeling repulsion. She couldn’t even _think_ about it without wanting to take a shower. And those thoughts alone froze her and prevented her from doing it at all.

_Lose control, let go._

Yeah, right. She couldn’t do either.

She was worthless.

Tix took a gasping breath inwards and the world closed in around her, blackness clouding her vision in a series of little static bits of black.

She stopped moving, swaying on her feet.

She lifted one foot.

She never set it down again.

Her foot seemed to float instead along with the rest of her.

She never remembered falling.

* * *

The world came back slowly, but it wasn’t the one she remembered.

No, this one was far different and really very strange. It was much brighter. And pure white. At least what she assumed must be the sky was. She seemed to be lying in a field of yellow and white lilies.

But strangest of all, Kester was there, standing over her, his hands shoved into his pockets, a very sad smile on his face.

Tix got to her feet slowly, looking around. She wondered vaguely why Kester wasn’t helping her up. That wasn’t like him.

Seeming to read her mind, he said, “I can’t touch you here. I already tried. I’m here too, but you’re...you’re on another side of the Dream World.”

Dream World? That didn’t make sense. Why was she in a dream world? She didn’t remember going to sleep. The last thing she remembered was…

_Up, up, down, down._

She blinked, slowly understanding what must have happened.

“Am I dead?” she asked.

Kester shook his head. “Not quite,” he replied. “You’re alive, but only just.”

She looked out across the expanse of flowers, they swayed in a breeze she could only barely feel. She turned back to Kester. “What...happened?”

Kester’s smile faltered. He looked even more sad now. “Your heart gave out,” he replied. He was forcing the smile now, she could tell. She could see the tears swimming in his eyes too. “You had a minor heart attack. The nurses found you much too late. They wanted to operate on you, but...you’re too weak, Tix. Your body couldn’t handle it. So...you’re in the ICU in a medically induced coma. They’re hoping you’ll regain some strength, enough for them to operate and for you to recover.”

Tix swallowed. So she was very close to death then.

Somehow this didn’t frighten her at all. It seemed like the logical conclusion to things.

_Are you scared?_

Kester had asked her that only a few days ago.

Was she scared?

At the time she’d said yes. Now? Now she didn’t think she really was.

“So,” she said, looking up at Kester, “what happens now?”

Kester looked at her, his expression more serious now. “Well, that’s up to you.”

Her brows drew together. “What do you mean?”

“You get to decide whether you stay here, fight, get better, or…you go on.” Kester gestured to a bridge she hadn’t noticed before. It led to a green field. There was a river flowing under the bridge. She could smell the lilies from here. She could hear the birds too.

“You mean,” she glanced at Kester, “I can live or die? It’s my choice?”

Kester nodded once. “That’s what happens when your own body can’t decide what to do. Your mind gets to make the choice instead.”

Tix glanced behind her and saw something else she hadn’t noticed before: herself in the ICU. She lay in a hospital bed, dressed in a gown, surrounded by a mountain of machines. There were tubes down her throat and IVs stuck in her arms. The dark circles under her eyes looked darker than ever, her already pale skin nearly translucent now.

Kester sat in a chair beside her bed, but he was asleep, his head lying on his folded arms, which rested on her bed, one hand loosely holding hers.

If she were awake, she would’ve started panicking.

But she wasn’t awake.

She was nearly dead.

She turned back to the Kester in what he called the Dream World. “There’s no reason for me to go back,” she replied honestly, her voice soft, her eyes on her fingers fiddling with her nails.

“You never know who you’re leaving behind,” Kester replied.

She looked up, then back down, shrugging. “No one.”

“Rae will miss you,” he reminded her softly. He paused. “I’ll miss you.”

Tix looked up. The tears were back in his eyes. One fell.

She had to reply to that.

She knew Rae would miss her. She knew that. But Rae was different. Rae wasn’t afraid of everything like she was. Rae had friends and even a family who loved her, even if it wasn’t always in the right way. Rae could have a future, free of pain and hurt and sadness.

Tix didn’t have that. She’d never had that. She would _never_ have that.

Her mother hated her, telling her every chance she got. Her father hit her and touched her in places he shouldn’t have. The only person who _had_ loved her was her grandmother and her grandmother was dead. If she chose to leave...she could see her grandmother again.

She could be loved again.

“Rae will be alright,” she said finally, looking up.

Kester swallowed. “What about Danny?”

The unanswered question was there too: _What about me?_

“Danny will be okay,” Tix replied.

Danny was different too, currently trapped in the hospital because he couldn’t figure out how to stop the voices in his head other than covering it in hats.

But he was different also in the sense that he wasn’t afraid. Not like she was.

He wasn’t damaged.

He wasn’t ruined.

And he had a family too. He had people who loved him. He had somewhere to go after he was finally released, somewhere that wouldn’t eventually break him all over again and send him right back.

Tix didn’t have that. She never had. She never would.

She knew that. She’d known it for a long time.

She turned her eyes again to the field, the lilies, the bright sun she could see now, and the blue birds flying overhead, calling to one another. They seemed to be calling to her too.

 _Come,_ they seemed to say. _Come and be free._

She smiled. This was her choice. The one thing she truly had control over.

How could she say no?

She smiled.

“I think,” she said quietly, her voice shaking with emotion she hadn’t known she felt, “I think I’m going to go on. I want to be happy...just once.”

She turned to Kester, still smiling. He was smiling too, tears running down his cheeks. “Goodbye, Tix,” he said quietly. And then: “You deserve peace.”

Tix started towards the field and then paused. She ran back and hugged Kester, finally unafraid, finally feeling safe. “I’ll miss you too,” she said, clinging to him. She took a breath, then added, “This isn’t your fault. I promise.”

Kester didn’t reply. He only hugged her back and for the first time she didn’t feel afraid, she didn’t see her father hitting her, she didn’t see her darkened bedroom.

She didn’t want to scream.

She never wanted to let go.

She pulled away from Kester slowly, smiling up at him again. He was smiling too, but he looked heartbroken and she wondered vaguely how many times before he’d had dreams just like this one. How many other children, just like her, had he had to say goodbye to?

A part of her felt guilty then and, for a moment, she considered staying.

 _Tixy,_ the voice was soft at first, but it got louder. _Tixy._

She turned.

Her grandmother was there, standing in the field. She didn’t need her cane anymore. She looked healthy and happy and Tix felt her smile break into a full on grin. “Grandma?”

Her grandmother smiled at her. _Tixy, I’ve been waiting for you._

Tix let out a half sob, half laugh and ran to her grandmother, ran across the bridge, ran out of a life of pain and heartache and agony and into the only love she’d ever felt.

And for once she didn’t care that she was hungry. She wanted to eat. She wanted to eat as much as she could forever and ever.

Finally...finally.

Tix was at peace.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm hoping to write more for this fandom (particularly tix, since she's me), but i don't have any ideas as of yet. if any of y'all have any ideas i'm open to em!! (pls let em be surrounding tix or tix/rae [since that's my ship] or tix and danny or tix and kester)


End file.
